that still, small voice

today 'lou's soul-searching discussions for this morning's soak & seal turned theological. 

he asked me, 
"mumma, do you b/l in god?"

i replied, 
"honey, i just don't know for sure. i don't like to tell a fib and say i do just b/c everyone else does - but i also know i don't know everything and i could be wrong if i decide he doesn't exist...so i just keep an open mind and learn from everyone else who might know more than me about it. it's hard for me to understand a god who loves us but never comes to see us or talk to us."

he considered carefully before replying, ducking his head and blowing bubbles in his bucket soak in consternation.
"well, he's a spirit, so maybe he comes but we can't see him with our normal-human eyes. i bet superman could see him. or maybe he looks like a normal person and we don't know its him. and he DOES talk to us - our heartbeep is him talking- can't you ever hear it?"

by now i had him sitting on the half-wall, applying his lotion from scalp to toe. i felt my mouth curl into a smile at his interpretation of "heartbeat" and what his great ellen had once told him about hearing god speak in her heart. i tried clumsily to explain the symbolic meaning of hearing god in your heart, but he waved me off impatiently.
"your boobies must be too big to hear yours, listen to mine!"

and he thrust out his scrawny baby chest at me.

i laid my ear obligingly over his rack of ribs and listened contentedly to the 
tha-thump, tha-thump 
rhythm of his toddler-sized heart.

i smiled benevolently at him and told him what i heard. just a
tha-thump, tha-thump,
no words, unfortunately.

at which report he smiled just as benevolently back at me and advised,
"your ears must not work so good either. that's not saying
"tha -thump, tha- thump",
it says
"love- ya, love-ya"
- i hear it every night when i lay down to go to sleep and everything is quiet."

(www.manninophotography.com)